If love is a garden we all must tend to, then most women can attest that it’s tough to weed out the jerks. We’ve all been attracted to “that guy” once or twice before… Maybe more than twice.
You swore you wouldn’t do it again.
But, perhaps, you fell into the trap once again and you’re now fed up with your own wavering… It’s time for solid advice on how to shift to finding Mr. Right more often.
Don’t worry we’ve all been there before, and I’m here for you!
While many believe that finding love is all about luck or chance, the truth is far more complex.
The more you put yourself out there, the wider variety of men you will meet, and those men will have different relationship goals than yours.
The key to finding Mr. Right more often than Mr. Wrong is to know what YOU want (like, in life) and know the type of person YOU love to be around, AND that person is good for you.
So, how do you know if getting involved in a new love affair is worth the investment (and avoid falling prey to your own weaknesses)?
3 Questions to Help You Weed Out the Jerks
Use the 3 questions below to see if he is what the “Love Doctor” ordered:
#1: Ask, “What attracted you to me?”
This question isn’t to stroke your ego (okay, maybe it is a little bit 😊… ) I want you to ask this question primarily to learn what he finds attractive in you. What opinion has he formulated about you based on the conversations you’ve had together?
Knowing his answer to the question, “What attracted you to me?” will help you to determine what he values, and if what he values in you is something you can sustain over time.
This is a most important step in building the foundation of any successful relationship: commonality.
#2: Ask, “What are your 3 Hell Nos?”
A “Hell No” is what’s called a non-negotiable; something that he’s not willing to budge or compromise on. For example, maybe he’s decided not to have kids at all… ever. Or, maybe he wants a woman who is spiritual, or career-oriented or a fitness fanatic.
Mr. Wrong (or Mr. Hookup) doesn’t spend time thinking about these deeper questions; nor does he really care. He’s too worried about where his next adventure will come from.
Mr. Right has spent more time than most thinking about these questions, and he knows what he’s willing to accept.
You need to find out what he values. 😎
#3: Ask, “Tell me about the last time you made a mistake”.
Although this is not an actual question (more like an inquisitive prompt for a deeper answer), you can help weed out the jerks and learn so much about a man from his response to this simple interrogative. You can learn about…
- His level of accountability
- How he recovers from mistakes
- His decision-making skills
- Whether he plays the victim or takes full responsibility for his actions
There’s a popular phrase I love and often share with clients, and it goes like this: “How you do one thing is how you do everything”.
In our society, people have become comfortable with “passing the buck” or blaming others (or blaming circumstances, like the weather or traffic) for why a particular outcome wasn’t in their favor.
With an open-ended statement like, “Tell me about the last time you made a mistake,” you can gauge his attitude towards his mistakes and whom he blames for his problems.
The benefits to asking these questions
According to research, once a relationship crosses into the “True Love” phase, our ability to maintain positive illusions of the other person despite challenges is a major deciding factor in what makes love grow and stand the test of time.
For a relationship to transcend time and stay meaningful throughout the ups and downs of life, you need to find someone who not only knows what they want out of life, but also someone who will own their mistakes and learn from them.
This is what I call having a Growth Mindset, and it’s the secret sauce that helps couples focus on the good in one another over time.
If you’re wondering whether to ask these questions when online dating, I say yes!
If he’s a relationship-minded person, he won’t mind answering these questions, especially since he isn’t looking to waste his time either.
One thing to always remember… This is not an interrogation. You’re simply trying to see if your boats can float together into the horizon without crashing into each other. 😘